A Psalm of Sorts

God grant me the serenity to live a life that is righteous. Make me as pure gold in your eyes, that man may see you when they look at me. God give me the ability to live through your word in every aspect of my life. God show me the knowledge so that I can understand. Let me not doubt what you have put in my mind to do. Help me remember that you are with me always so that I do not fear. God guide my hearts eye to what you want me to see. Let your will prevail over my own ambitions. Let my hands do your work only and my feet walk your paths. Let this body be a vessel through which the knowledge of you is made known. God help me choose correctly the paths that I should take. Let me see you always before me. Clear all doubt from my mind and remove all malice from my heart. God, be the only thing my soul desires. I thank you God for your grace and mercy. All praise, glory, and honor be yours forever. Amen.

Prumility- Part II in a Series of Balances

Pride and Humility

How much more opposite can you get?

Take pride in the fact that you serve a great god and that He will take care of you, but do everything in humility.

Pride, such a deceptive feeling. It isn't a bad one until it works through our brains like sugar through our bodies. A little pride in who God has made you is, in my view, necessary. But the feeling is sweet like sugar and thus feels good and this leads so easily to over indulgence. Who could resist a big bowl of ice cream or a few pieces of their favorite pie (because one is never enough)? The temptation to eat the whole half gallon or entire pie is like the temptation that pride offers to take all the credit for who you are or what you have. It makes us forget the grace that was given to us. I don't know about you, but I believe in intelligent design. God made me who I am today.

To do everything in humility is to do everything knowing that you were given the opportunity, ability, and strength to be who you are or do what you do. It is to acknowledge the grace before you as the source of your being.

I will leave it at that, hoping that you understand grace enough to know what I am saying.

I am going to die...

Of Boredom.

Okay. I seriously need some ideas here. I have a week to kill. I have no television. All I have is my laptop and the closest place with internet access is campus. I also have no vehicle so I am stuck riding my bike everywhere. If you have ever ridden a bike in the snow, you know it's not very pleasant. I have no DVDs that I haven't seen a billion times in the last month and as of Sunday all my friends here will be gone. Any suggestions as to what one might do to stay sane?

Anonymously Yours

Anonymous 1: Why do guys act the way they do? Why are guys pigs?

Anonymous 2: Because we're afraid.

Anonymous 1: Afraid of what?

Anonymous 2: Our feelings. We fear loneliness and thus inadequacy. The loneliness stems from our desire to be one with a woman. That's where things get mixed up.

Anonymous 1: How so?

Anonymous 2: We try to drown the longing by frantically searching for the one.

Anonymous 1: The One?

Anonymous 2: Yeah, the one. But until we realize that no number of women can fill that void, we will forever miss the one. Too busy looking at frivolous crap like physical relations. Not stopping to look for what really matters but still feeling that longing. And the longing only gets stronger with every woman they are with. And the cover up gets more intense until they burn out or give up.

Anonymous 1: "They"? What happened to "we"?

Anonymous 2: I don't practice what they do. You see, I've realized this. That's why we're having this conversation.

Anonymous 1: Okay. What do you mean by burn out or give up?

Anonymous 2: Burn out or give up. Sorry, I should have said burn out and give up. Well, how I see it, one can give up in three ways. When you burn out you give up, start looking at things differently, and try something new because obviously the old way isn't working. When one simply gives up, more often they will continue in their lifestyle only to live a lonely and unfulfilling life both emotionally and spiritually. And then there's that unfortunate possibility that when one gives up they go into a deep depression and die believing that they were meant to be alone.

Anonymous 1: Why aren't women like this?

Anonymous 2: Some are. But those that aren't, I suppose aren't afraid of confronting their feelings. That's just a guess of course. I can't speak for women. You'd have to ask them.

Rdonam

Yeah, so, I'm sitting here kind of bored, putting off studying Spanish for a while, and of all things I decide to write. Why? I don't know. Just for something to do. Slowly but surely I have come to realize that it is not writing that I dislike, but writing because I have to. It's so much more enjoyable when you can write just because you want to.

A Pickle

So, I thought I'd throw a question out there for those who have had some experience with the undergrad education. I would appreciate any feedback.

"What do you do when finals are coming up, you don't know some of the material, reading the book only makes you more confused, and there's no one around that can help you learn it?"

And keep in mind that I know I should have been asking myself this question a long time ago. I don't need any comments telling me I'm a dumbass for not getting help sooner. I already know that.

*Well now that the point is moot, no comments are needed. But one last thing to say, "That was one sour pickle."


[*written after finals were over]

Gentle Abrasion- Part I in a Series of Balances

Wow! This is a new one. I've never seen this extreme in myself before. It's abrasive, very forward and direct, to the point. It's fearless but at the same time careless and reckless and that is NOT me. I care.

And so I find another balance, though I know not what to call it at this time.

I don't like it. It scares people. I don't mind the forward, direct, fearless, and even a little abrasive, but it has to care.This new self must still put others first.

A balance between being abrasive/direct and gentle/reserved. That's not an easy one, but then again... none of them are.

Divine Weaving

Why does my soul so long for companionship?


Companionship... ha... it's sad that that is the best word I can think of to describe it.

I see imperfections in myself that keep me from pursuing a... relationship? It's so much more than that. More like a partnership, a coupling... ah, I know... an interweaving relationship. That is to say that both our worlds are intertwined in such a way that we appear as one intricately woven basket, our strengths and weaknesses complementing their counters so as to make a substance that is impenetrable. Our mutual beliefs strengthening the bond between the chords, filling in the holes like tar. One solid, unbreakable unit and yet two very different and very individual strands of material. A weave so perfect it would have to be divine.

And what, you might ask, does this basket hold? Love, joy, peace, endurance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. The last one may be slightly confusing so let me elaborate. Self-control because it's necessary for faithfulness, faithfulness because it's needed for endurance, endurance for peace, peace for goodness, goodness for kindness, kindness for gentleness, gentleness for joy, and joy for love. You see, without one... they all fall apart.

I know it's a lot to ask for, but anything less would not suffice to quell this longing.

This is going to be a long trip.


[Text may change with time.]

Update to Update

I am indeed crazy.








But it's okay. I now recognize what I see.

Update

Though the feelings are slow to leave I think I'll be okay parting with thoughts of pursuit. We'll see what happens though.

Crazy

I can't think straight right now. I am distracted. I need to focus on writing this research paper, but I can't stop thinking about earlier. Ballroom dancing club was fun. It was hiarious; there were only five guys at the beginning and about fifteen women. I love the partnerong in ballroom dancing. It allows you to be close to someone you wouldn't therwise know. But what really got me was during the "dance party" we had after tonight's lesson. It was fun staying around to learn the steps better. I am avoiding the true subject though. During this time, I got to dance with one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen or met. I wish I knew her a little better. I love what I do know. She's ambitious, going for a double major. I love the intelligence. That combination is a beautiful thing that many lack. I love her gentle touch, her deep eyes, and her smile. I love her countenance. The air about her... man, I could get lost there forever and not mind it for a second. Maybe it's her heart I'm feeling, probably why I fell. But why do I fall for ones out of my reach? I can still feel that sweet, tender, fragile being dancing on my heart.

Tell me I'm not crazy.